The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
