I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
