Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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