I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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