Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
