well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
