so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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