and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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