he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
