I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
