spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
