Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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