the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
