It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm both gender and math confused
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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