Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
