My first STD was from a foam party
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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