i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
