You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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