Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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