there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
