dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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