i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You ate ashes out of my bong
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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