Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
