then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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