I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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