My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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