i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
