I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
whose parrot is this?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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