i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
