she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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