I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
