I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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