New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
