sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
