God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
