She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
