So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
