my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
