I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Of course I have a pirate flag
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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