Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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