Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
