I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
