sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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