I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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