i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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