So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
