So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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