Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
we're making bets on your personal life
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
