the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
