the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
