How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
